You know, something bothers a bit more than usual when I am here, with me. Today is September 15. I have never been in my home for so long after I went to Germany. 6 months. I have completely adapted myself to the routine and lifestyle that I have here, so going back to the reality of mine there would be troublesome, to say the least.
It is that state of mind when your soul is boiling, you know, that uneasiness inside that just keeps making you notice it. 11 days left. I think, I will start writing again. I always do when I am there.
Sept. 19. Exactly one week left. I still have many things to do, which will keep me busy. Today, for example, I am going to buy a tzbekh with G. I will also meet my friends in the evening. Tomorrow we are going to drink a beer. Like one final time before I leave. I might meet N. as well, but it has low chances, to be honest. During the week, I will see A. and L., to say goodbye. We will go to the movies to see the Tenet. Yesterday we spoke a lot with Z. and A. About the ruined friendship. Then we went to Subtitle and ate an unnecessary big sandwich. In the end I gave Z. my gift for her. The final book. I think I will ask him to give it to her on the New Year's, if I won't be here. We haven't talked at all for almost 2 months. And for six months our words of exchange were couple of sentences. But I still love her. I know that I am demeaning myself. I know that it might show that I have no self-respect and pride. But it is so little in exchange for her. I must try. Till the very end. But what is the end? The end changes with every next horrible outcome. The end becomes more horrible. The new end waits in front.
Today is September 24th. I am sitting in Ameriabank, while the bank teller is opening my account I decided to visit this strange place. Yesterday was my parents' wedding anniversary, 25 years. I look at them and that's what I want. I want a person that would be near me no matter the hardships and issues. It went well yesterday. I drank too. 2 days before my flight. My mom and dad gave me a drawing of Cascade with Sorriso in it, how cool is that :)) i am thinking of writing her, maybe she will agree to meet.
September 26th. It's 7am. I am lying in bed. I have 40 minutes left to enjoy myself. Yesterday I met her. I melted. Honestly, everything disappeared from my head when I saw her. I realized, now for sure, that I am madly in love with her. I hope she knows how proud I am of her. She is renovating their house on Abovyan street and is living alone at the moment on Vardanants.
We talked, about different stuff. But I told her that I miss her. Incredibly hard. She is my best friend, the person who knows about me absolutely everything. I wish it was easier for me. I wish... I asked her to be more in touch, and I promised that I would suppress my feelings of her, and be more of a friend. I gave a promise, maybe for the first time, that most probably I won't be able to keep.
Well, in the end, I promised to try.
I am in the plane right now. I was feeling down again, not gonna lie. Speaking to the girl next to me eased the pain. Her name is Lilit, she is working in Synopsis in San Francisco. Very nice and down to the earth girl.
I am thinking of ways to eliminate the idea that being with M. is the only option for being happy. Either her, or noone.
Today is September 29. It's been two days since I am here and since azeris attacked Artsakh. Let me go by chronology.
I had a lot of stuff to do. Clean the dorm room, take the stuff to chemical cleaning, take my orders and items from my friends and relatives. I like my new apartment, it is quiet. Sometimes I don't like that though... whatever. I am buying new stuff and conveniences for my new living place.
Since the war started I am very uneasy. I can't find my place, I constantly walk in the house. Yesterday I walked 14 km. Not just in the house, of course. For example, in the evening I walked non-stop for almost 2 hours. I have a lot of thoughts right now. First is my job, since my managers are both staying silent on meeting me, I am a bit worried. Second comes the war. I am thinking that if total mobilization of Armenian civilians starts, I am definitely going there. I can't live knowing that my friends and relatives are going to fight while I sit here. Third is, of course, M. Why is she so important? I can't forget her, you know. She always stays in my head. You know, when the guys moved out my stuff from the dorm to the new place, I asked them where they put the note about different types of sadnesses written by her in the Foer book she gifted to me. They didn't remember. When I came here, the first thing I did was maniacally searching for that one small piece of paper. I searched every book, every copybook and note. I searched every box. Everywhere. I became desparate. That is the one thing that is actually from her, you know. Her handwriting... I was extremely sad, almost depressed, because I felt like I lost her piece of item just like I lost her, without my direct involvement. Life has brought that upon me. Yesterday I found it. It was in the dorm. I actually went and took the keys from the housekeeper of the dorm to search. I wish somone would have taken a photo of my face. It was on the floor. I picked it up, cleaned and kissed it. I kissed a piece of paper, how small is that? My mind calmed down for a bit. My soul was happy. Because whatever happens, I still have a piece of her with me, it comforts. Because that is what she means to me.
October 2nd. I don't have internet in my new apartment. It's the 6th day since I am here, I am living with no internet. It is terrible, not gonna lie. The situation in Armenia and Artsakh is not getting better. They shelled Stepanakert and Martuni pretty badly today. I am very angry and nervous.
I bought a ticket to Köln today, I will go live with A. Since there is no internet and I don't have anything to do here, why not? At least I won't be alone.
I noticed something in me. In my feelings. I walked today a lot, when I saw people's faces, it disturbed me. It disturbs to see how unaware, or maybe, how indifferent they are. They don't care at all. That's why I can't live here. The only people that understand me are Armenians. And I want to be with them, with my people. I am going to make a confession. I wish they started recruiting. So that I would go. I have never held a gun, or a rifle in my hands (except maybe in high-school, during army classes), but it doesn't matter. I want to defend my country. I told noone, but when I was 20, I regretted that I didn't serve. Of course, my mom is much calmer when I am not in the frontlines. But I wanted, I am sure it would have helped me to identify myself better. In the end, I think I love my country. And I don't think I have written here, but the only way I would really like to leave this world is in the battlefronts. At least it would make sense.
Today it's October 8th. It's been 5 days since I am at A's. It's better. I am not that alone. The situation in the country is worrying me. I can't concentrate. I am waiting for a call from my manager regarding the contract, but he is not reaching. Anyway, I can't concentrate on anything.
October 17th. The war still goes on. I am back in Frankfurt. There are so many underlying problems that bother me. I am worried about my work and my visa. If it doesn't work out, I would have to leave the country. I can't afford that. I am a gateway for my brother. I can't leave him alone. On the other hand is the war. I am constantly in news, sometimes I actually tear up. Children are dying. 18, 19, 20 years old kids are giving their lives for their families, soil, home. It is a great tragedy. And it is not fair. I feel that we are alone. And there is no help.
October 23rd. 36 minutes since 23rd came. Today was really hectic. Both emotionally and physically. I had some stuff to do for the visa and at the end of the day I was drained. I took a shower and when I walked out of the cabin, I noticed that something was wrong. My heart was beating faster, I couldn't breathe normally, the air felt heavier somehow. I felt like i am going to pass out. Maybe it was because of the nerves. I laid down a bit, it got better. Now I am in bed. It's time to sleep, but before that I wanted to come to this place here. I was reluctant to, you know. I am losing myself I think. Even speaking to me (you) is becoming difficult. I have that instinctive feeling that I am destined to live a lonely life. But I don't want to. I really don't. There is only one person. There was only one person in my life. I refuse anything else. Should I go till the end? Refuse to see anyone else?
My whole life is a protest. A silent one, but still. Maybe my destiny is to prove that there is one love. That commitment is alive. That lust will never overcome love. It would be great. But I am afraid, you know. I am 24 now, and I am already doubting my own principles. What happens when I am 30? 40? When somehow I realize that I was wrong all this time. That I have spent my adolescence in a numbing loneliness just to prove a point to noone, while others were doing what they wanted. These others, do exactly as they want at the moment. Why do I have to take the consequences of their irresponsibility and lack of moral? The answer is pretty easy and I know it. Want something? Don't ask. Take! Play. Use. Betray. It is really simple. Those who do that are genuinely happy. You might ask "but are they right?". Exactly. YOU will ask that. They never will.
November 3rd. I have been absent for a long time. Sorry for that. I just apologized to myself? Maybe. I promise I will try to be here more often. I like this place. For everyone looking this is just the notes section of my phone. But it also is a portal to my soul. К моей совести. There is an English word "consciousness", but Russian means something more. The audience reading right now understands that, I am sure. I am at A's again. I had some things to do at Frankfurt, but now I don't. I got a job seeker visa until 22nd of September 2021. Last Wednesday I had the first interview with Veeva. It went well, I guess, now I am waiting for their answer. I like being here btw. Not alone all the time, which feels great and strange. A. is one of those friends who I love the most. He knows me. It is easy to live with him. I think I will stay here for a while.
I miss her so much. I can't stop reading her thoughts, that's the only part of her that is left. I love her, still. And I guess, I always will.
5th of November, Thursday. At home. So lazy these days. It is almost 6, and I was convincing myself to wash the dishes from the morning. I forgot to write, I started listening to Dante's Divine Comedy. But since I am here, I never turned it on. Whatsoever, I liked it. What else...
I was just thinking about something. I am looking for opportunities to give her something unique and amazing. Everywhere. Mom told me today that Narine Abgaryan is going to sign books. I would like to gift "Дальше жить" to her. I hope she is feeling well. I really do. Why did she put me in this? Previous times I could just write her. Now I can't.
9th of November. In bed, a bit drunk. It's 1 AM. I think I am getting the sense of it, you know. I think I have a psychological disorder. I was speaking to a girl for 2 weeks already, just a random person. I have pledged myself to be maximally honest with her, to see what would happen. She was ready to come over to my place, cook me a nice dinner, show me, I am quoting her, "warmth and love of a woman". She knows about my past, or maybe the absence of it, actually. And you know what? I terminated it. Called it off. He has spoken, the younger me. In rage, almost offended. I would really like that, you know, to be normal for 2 days. To see how it's like to be boundless, principless, a person with pure animalistic desires. But he was judging me again. Is this crazy? He was telling me that the life I lived would be in vain. That if I bend, then all the other lost oportunities of having sex will be stupid. Wow, right? Of course, I am not completely nuts just yet. I don't hear voices, these were my thoughts. And I don't have multiple personalities. I am telling how it feels but it is not what actually happens. And I have noticed another thing too. I have noticed her in my mind. Yes, you. I have pledged myself not to write directly to you here, but this is something that I can slack a bit. From the very start of talking to that girl, I was extremely nice. Apparently she liked it, and was infatuated with me. But I kept telling her that it probably won't work out. That I am not ready for anything serious. But she wanted it to work out so badly. She was ready for anything. Does this remind you of something? Rings a bell? I haven't felt anything towards her. Not a single tingling in the weird brain of mine, cause after you, it is a void. You, yourself, are a void. Endless desire, that's what you are. I kept wondering if you also did not feel a single tingle in the weird brain of yours? But there is a difference. I would never do that to anyone. Never will I give hope to take it afterwards. Never, no. I cut the ties in the second week. I won't sleep if I know that I am a source of such a numbing, concentrated, devastating pain. How almost every night I talk to you. With slight whisper, not to be perceived as completely crazy. I ask how your day was, ask if you ate well, and wish you a good night in the end. And I say magic. Sometimes afterwards I talk to the one who is above us. Or maybe to noone, I don't know. But I ask him to look after you. I really do. That's so stupid, I am re-reading what I wrote. But you know, this is a place where I am the way I am, without a mask. And yes, you were right, I will always love you, and I guess it's better to lose you rather than keep and suffer, cause one day you will find a person. One day I will be shattered again. So, it's better to stay as far from the blast as possible. Maybe I will manage to keep some pieces in place.
... I wish I could draw, it would have been so much easier to show you what I mean. But I am almost sure you understand me.
November 16. I actually forced myself to come here. That fucking moron sitting on the chair now... he was the hope that so many people, including me, had that there might be something good in the country. He butchered it... completely incompetent, possibly with mental health issues. But still. He was a hope, that's how low we have reached. You know, I think we forget how bad things were. I personnally wanted to leave the country, as I didn't see a light in there, I know I couldn't become anyone in a country with a gambler and an addict president. So I left. I think it was in the top 3 traumatizing experiences for me. Willingfully leaving a home, because you don't belong. It is not like I belong here, you know that, but I was ready to try, that's how hopeless I was. I too became a gambler, I guess I lost. At some point I was very sure that I made a mistake. It's the point when those bastards were forced to leave their golden chairs. I was very proud you know. I actually wanted to come back, I was looking for reasons to do that. The people that now wish him death are erasing my hope. Hope to come back. He will get killed I am almost sure of it, maybe he actually deserves this. I wish it wasn't like this. I think those people are blinded by anger. And the ones who are craving for greed and vengeance are using this anger for their gains. I do not defend him, I never wanted him to become the leader of our country, he was not the right person. But he was the symbol of hope. At least for me.
November 17th. I was just looking through my notes, here is something I found.
"In the very end, we are what we are. And it is the end that shows the true colors of ours. The brave. The weak. The loyal. The coward. Death is the cleareast mirror to exist. The reflection can be intimidating, but at least it's honest.
I like thinking about death. The ultimate equalizer. I imagine, that before dying, if I have a chance to think, I would love to see my parents and my brother. I would like to express my parents one final time my gratitude for the opportunity to live. And to my brother... that he was more than a brother. He is the reason I live. There was a time when I couldn't have kids, and I feared for it to stay that way greatly. I started loving him in another way. Just like my father was a role model for me, I decided that if having children is not destined for me, I will serve as a role model for my brother. That's what I mean when I say that I live for others. It has a very literal meaning. I didn't smoke, although there was always a desire to, as most of my surroundings did. Didn't drink, didn't do drugs, didn't commit myself to lust. That's the reason that I created the principles that I told about before.
But I won't have regrets when I die. If I die now, I won't have any regrets, even though I have never tried a lot of things that normal people try. Because maybe deep inside I still think that I am right and the whole planet is wrong. Maybe that little boy that was me is actually so committed to the ideologies, that he is persistent enough to counter the opinion of the majority.
But I am tired. And sad as well. How then am I supposed to find a person who will be next to me? She ran away, leaving me alone again.
And not just her. The people that I committed to. The people that I dared to call friends have turned their backs on me. It can't be a coincidence, you know. She leaving me, the person that knew me best. My friends abandoning me for their principles, who didn't know me at all. And here I am, standing with crumbles of me that I somehow managed to keep together. Just one more blow and I will collapse. That's how I feel now. But I won't. Because I live for other people. I live for my brother. And my parents. They are my meaning of life. I must be strong for them. Only here I can be weak. And only here I will."
I have written this 2 months ago. Have completely forgotten about it.
Today is December 2nd. 23:59. I forced myself to come here again. Still in Köln. Still nothing final about the job. Doing various interviews. Я продолжу на русском, у меня просто сегодня такое настроение. Вчера мы курили. И пили. Пиздец как меня ушатало. Меня просто разнесло в дребезги. Я не помню писал ли я уже или нет, но я не умею расслабляться. У меня всегда мысли, постоянно. У обычных людей это просто кайф, мысли становятся ватными, тяжесть на плечах изчезает хоть на какое-то время. А вот у меня не так. Мысли берут вверх над реальностью. Организм сопротивляется, так как не готов к таким нагрузкам, особенно в таком состоянии. Но вчера на очень краткое время мне даже было приятно. Мне больно, просто по-человечески. Приближаеться день когда я встретил того кто был способен оглушить всё, и от этого точно не становится легче.
3ое декабря, наверное. А нет, уже 4ое. Лежу себе, пьяный. Глаза почти что закрываются. Но нет, не хочу уснуть. Мне так приятно, так все мягко и удобно. В мыслях сейчас только она... когда? Когда она пройдёт?? Тогда когда я встречу другую?? Как, если только она в голове? Я ведь пытался, об одной я рассказывал уже. Но были и 2ое других. Я пытался попробовать. Хотел подтвердить как легко это сделать. Оказалось довольно просто, до определённого момента.
Я сам выбрал этот путь, так что пусть. Нечего жаловаться. А что? Всегда было нелегко, всегда было грустно и всегда было одиноко. Почему я решил что это изменится? Я чувствую себя футбольным мячом, хорошо когда я рядом, так они контролируют ситуацию, но чтобы выйграть надо забить гол, а значит расстаться... все сходится, не так ли?
18th of December. Just barely. I have been very emotional for the last hour or so. Have been playing a game called Life is Strange, the second part. It’s about two brothers, one of whom gets a superpower. It’s a long story, not gonna tell it now, but it inspired me to come back here and put another part of my soul into this.
I don’t think there is anyone in the world that I love more than my brother. Naturally, I have known my parents longer, but unlike them, I have been there his whole life. I have seen him being the cutest baby there can be. Being a little brat at times. Pissing me off all the time. Oh man, I remember when he still couldn’t walk, he would crawl the whole house searching for me. And I was hiding, I wanted some time for myself. He would sometimes grab my leg, and wouldn’t let go, and I had to drag him around the house. When he started walking it became worse for my nervous system. Running and jumping with no end. And you know me, I am a pretty chill guy, I always was. But his energy was always burning. I remember the times when I was still a kid, it lasted shorter than usual. I was 8 years old when he was born. By the way, in the game, the age difference of brothers was 8 years again, and it was like watching us on the screen. But at some point in time I stopped being a kid. You know what happened. I was looking at him differently. He became my reason to live. That’s when values started to shift, change, morph.
December 24th. It's been a day since I am at home. I have absolutely no desire to write. Just wanted to drop by and say that mostly everything's fine. Signed the contract with SBL, it is really important to have some kind of a job now. So yeah, that's that. As for the rest, everything's normal.
December 30. It’s 2:30 am. I really want to sleep. I got a tattoo the day before yesterday. The bottom of the arrow is the deathly hallows sign. Magic, you know. There is also another easter egg. There is a morse code message in the compass side. B612 is the message. It means a lot to me, i am glad it will be on me forever. It represents the naive and childish part of me. But it is done mostly as a reminder of another person. It’s inside the compass, to indicate that my intention, my desire, my direction will always be B612. The compass needle will always have the chance to show to the direction of her. That it may be my destiny...
December 31. The last day of this year. A lot of bad things happened. It started so good though... On January 1st I congratulated M. and she gave me hope on that day. I was so happy... we were meeting, chatting all the time. We even went to Tsakhkadzor in a small group. Such warm memories from there. For the very first time we watched together a movie (cartoon to be specific, Hercules). When I flew back it escalated quickly. Almost as quickly as it crumbled into pieces. I lost some of my friends. My nation lost the war. Mothers lost their sons. Sons lost their lives. Hearts were broken in much more tragic sense than mine.
But I have also met cool people. I have graduated, found a full-time job. Got a tattoo.
But who am I kidding? Only losing her is enough to counter all the good stuff that happened. I wish the next year is more merciful. I have suffered enough for a decade to come during this one.
January 2nd, 2021. Yes it's over. No, the problems did not magically disappear. But it kinda feels better to know that the year is behind. I brought the gifts to you yesterday. The last book and the Rick and Morty game. You should have seen my face when you said that you actually felt good. I hope it's truly like that. It honestly doesn't matter; the circumstances that might happen, the actions of yours, my status, your position, my hopes, your beliefs, nothing can stop me from doing my part in making your life a bit happier. If at some point in time you actually feel like I am daunting you, tell me honestly and I will stop. Until then, I will always be there. I am tired today, emotionally as well as physically, that's why I can't make myself not to address directly to you. If you remember I had a dream back in the summer (I think), when I was in the mountains and had brought a book with me which got teared, tainted, covered in dirt more and more. It was this book. I wanted to put a letter or something, but I just wrote "Mary Christmas :)". You are probably going to notice the fact that I added a new post in medium. That can replace the letter. I will add it this month.
January 26th. Well, 27 already. We met yesterday. As expected, a lightning stroke me. You know, I couldn’t hold myself. When you were looking on your sides, I was looking at you. Just trying to absorb as much of you as I can with my eyes. Just to have a good memory of how you look like. You know that. May be just a tiny bit creepy. :-)
I missed you so much. I actually bit my toungue at least three times not to say that out loud. I noticed something, maybe for the first time talking to you. You seemed kind of... relieved? Happier? Unlike the other times, you were leading the conversations, starting out new topics. You know, I am so proud of you! What you are doing on your own is just amazing. I have told this to you in person, I know.
It’s been 4 years since I’ve glanced at you and got struck.
Almost 3 years since I’ve met you.
Around 2.5 years since I’ve known you.
Almost a year since you decided to try.
Almost a year since you decided to end without actually trying.
I have told you this maybe a million times already... I cannot stop. Literally, I cannot. In my mind only you exist. And you just can’t comprehend what you mean to me. I love you, I always will. Until the new end begins.
February 14. Sunday. There is one reason why I am here. I am doing better, much to my surprise. I guess my ears got used to the numbing silence again.
I may have mislead you, M. My feelings are brighter than ever. Stickier than ever. It's this day of the year again. The day that a magical anomaly was born 25 years ago. Words are not enough to convey my feelings for you. My thoughts are not enough too. I can just say that you might be one of the most important people in my life. For better or worse. But that is a fact. You are the amalgamation of values and ideas, and thoughts and problems and beauty that is almost sacred to me. I may not be near you physically, or even digitally, but know you are in my mind. I will always want the best for you. And I will always be there for you. That's a promise which I intend to keep forever.
Be the way you are. I love you.
