April 21. Still in the plane. I have watched around 10 episodes of Big Bang Theory. They always can cheer me up.
I am not doing very well. Yeah, I guess what I had requested yesterday was actually a stupid thing and gonna make things more awful for me. I couldn’t sleep the whole night, my breath was not enough for me. I was very uneasy and anxious. Insides were feeling heavier, and the pressure gave a feeling that I was choking myself. I really thought that hearing it would change something.
But I was just thinking… assuming that I get married, and have a family and stuff already, you will be there, in my mind. I know how awful it sounds. I am afraid that I would think how bad it was that I lost you. No, not lost. That I couldn’t hold you. My conscience and guilt wouldn’t allow me to live fully satisfied. That’s why I will stay alone until the feelings for you are completely gone. I wonder if that would ever happen.
I am wondering if there is actually someone in your life… I know, you told me there is no one. Or did you tell me not to hurt me again?
Well, as long as there is no one in your life in a romantic way, I want to be by your side. I want to be the shoulder that you would lean your head on if something goes wrong (or if you are drunk again :)). I told you numerous times what a special and important person you are for me. I would never leave you alone with this world and yourself. Promise me that you would remember that I am always nearby. And in exchange I promise to be there. And here.
Some questions I keep asking for a year:
Could I make this work? Was there a chance and I blew it? Was there a period when you felt something towards me? Who is Oleg? Do you want to be happy? How to have grandkids without having kids?
No progress so far on any of these. Although, I might have some suspicions about Oleg. But not gonna write until I am sure.
I am very inclined to do a countdown again. It feels like before, M.
May 3rd. 07:06. You might ask why I am awake this early. Good question. Unfortunately, I don’t know. I am tired, I want to sleep but I can’t.
It’s been a while since I was here. By here I mean both Cologne and this weird place. It’s not like I didn’t have anything to write about, it’s just that I didn’t want to. It was just a simple lack of desire. Maybe that’s a good sign. Because lately I have been thinking that I might not actually be that bad. With lately I mean these couple of days. Because before that, boy I was a wreck. But after that storm of emotions came the deadly silence. And I started thinking, if she really loves the movie 500 days of summer (which I never watched, but I know the plot), and thinks that whatever the fuck that happened between us is going at the same scenario as in that movie, then maybe she is right. I started thinking that maybe if she decides to be together I would reject her. Too bold for a guy who spends unreasonable amount of his time and efforts to chase a girl that just does nothing but rejects and causes pain? No, I don’t think so. I have suppressed every defense mechanism in me, like pride and self worth, I closed my eyes on some of the stuff that I would usually pay much greater attention. It’s been suspended too long, it might backfire now.
Ah, and yeah, I called A. for a dinner. I cooked for her, we drank wine, played some games, talked. Had a great time. The next day she asked me to help her with her move-in.
But of course, when things start to go well in my personal life I have a tendency to run away. Now maybe literally, as I am in Cologne and she is in Frankfurt.
I will go now, and I will try to come here more often. See you.
May 29th. 17:57. So… almost a month, huh? Not gonna make any more promises of writing more often. I didn’t feel like writing anymore, I was feeling empty. But empty in a good way. Or rather, empty in not a bad way.
I got over her. And the only thing I needed to do all these years was to have the desire. And the desire to pursue her dissappeared when I learned it was impossible to get her. Okay then. I went on couples of dates. I started cooking, can you believe that? It’s actually good. I like A., I hope something works out in the end. I learned my lessons. You give it a try, if it doesn’t work out, you move on. Simple, easy, effortless.
I went to Dubai for a conference. It was really fucking hot there, but still, a gorgeous city. I am actively buying new furniture for my home here. Yesterday I was helping Ner.’s friend to move out, and we were unpacking till 3 in the morning. Maybe that’s why my eyes are closing already.
You know why I am here, right? I came to say goodbye. Yes, to you, M. I asked you one thing, just be in touch with me, as friends. I asked you to at least try it. But you didn’t. Just like everything else I asked you to try, you never truly did.
After my acceptance of the situation as is, it came to me how cruel you actually were to me. Maybe unwillingly, but still. Because crumbles are left M. Just small pieces of me, that people close enough could recognize. For the next guy in line, please, end it quicker, okay? Make sure to tell them literally, like you did to me in the end. You know, just in case. Maybe they are also as delusional as I am.
Be well, M. I moved on, but I still love you. That won’t change. So if you need anything I will turn mountains upside down for you, have no doubt.
But, we won’t be together.
June 22. 23:43. Wow, it’s kinda becoming once a month thing now, huh? You can see from the frequency of writing that I am kinda doing better. I witheld myself from reading your posts, I muted your stories and I don’t enter any chat of ours. Because all of that feels like a knife to my heart. Shit, I am hardly even exaggerating, it almost became a physical pain. These two days we talked in two months. Naturally I kept asking questions like “Why did she write?” “Does this mean something?”, but no worries, I just disregarded those after remembering your promise. And my promise. So, yeah, no point in asking those. Feels great talking to you, so easy and effortless. I don’t have to pretend, I know I can say whatever I want and you would get me. I just read for the first time in couple of months (maybe) your last post. Tears still on my face, didn’t dry out. So, I decided to spend my last minutes as 24 with you. I suffered a lot this year. I really did. It took a toll on me, I am half alive. To be honest I feel like I have irreversibly lost some emotions. I kinda don’t feel some things. Maybe that’s why I was doing better. I don’t feel like myself. It’s a strange feeling. I don’t know. I missed you so much. I still do. There is this girl, A. that I like. Nothing more than that, actually. And she seems to like me too. But I drag it, you know. Try to sabotage it every possible way, because it feels wrong. Because I know how the right feels like. And it’s not like this.
Coming back to you, we can be friends, M. I love you also as a person. And that love is much bigger and much stronger than the romantic one. Write me sometimes. Call me. Send me stuff. Ask questions. Ask for an advice. Share with me something. Anything would be good…
23rd of July. Friday. I came back to Frankfurt from a 2 week absence. And you know, during that time, and also before, I was feeling good. I was feeling unworried, light, positive. I was almost never alone, constantly meeting my friends, drinking, eating, playing games, getting high sometimes.
Today, I decided not to call anyone. I decided to be alone. And it hit me. Here I am. I started writing once a month. Before that it was once a day. Maybe it’s a positive indication, that everything is getting better.
I was at the subway heading home when a tear dropped out of absolutely nowhere. I became incredibly sad. My mind started reliving some emotions. To be honest, lately I have been remembering a lot that kiss in the car and the whole night in general. It’s just I was distracted by people. I was letting myself to get distracted, to be more specific. I decided to test myself tonight. And here is the result. I am here again.
We started communicating with M. I am really happy, cause I miss her a lot.
Last time that I wrote, I was writing about A., that we were going on dates and stuff. Nothing happened, maybe because I don’t know what to do after some point. It’s silly, but I compare it to a video game. I haven’t unlocked that level yet.
That’s one of the reasons why nothing happened. The other, more important reason, is that I was feeling that we won’t go together nicely. Just a gut feeling, but it is usually right. I have a pretty good radar on people. Maybe the first and the second reasons are connected…
Today I’ve reread the civil war comic book. It’s really good, a lot of stuff in there to think about.
I am watching Modern Family, and it’s absolutely hilarious.
25th of July. Sunday. Yesterday I was at a birthday party which sucked big time. Maybe the best thing happening yesterday was that I talked to M. Now I am lying on my bed, listening to a song called “Cruel Melody” and trying to assess the deepness of the shit I am.
I am very tired of many things. Mostly, I am tired of myself, I want to drop my skin, you know. I just want to be another person. Something is wrong with the person that I am now and I cannot fix it. But I must. That little something that is wrong is taking a toll on me.
I wish I was better at understanding things. I wish I was less rational. I wish I could leave a mistake in my writing and don’t go back to correct it. I wish I was more relaxed and not so tense all the time. I wish I am right. I really wish I am right, because if not…
The thing is, I am playing a game here. And the stakes are pretty high. The stake is my life.
The problem is that I am betting on the outcome that has much lower chances of happening. And for what? Because it’s right? I tried explaining to some people, visible confusion on their faces made me stop.
I wish I paid less attention to stuff, to people, to myself. I wish I could close my eyes and not think about anything. I wish I could come home in the middle of the night and that burden wouldn’t be on my shoulders. I wish I could drink and dance with no worries in my head. And with no desire in my heart. I wish I could give empty promises and talk endlessly. But I became out of words, literally and figuratively almost from the beginning of my conscious life. I wish I could change myself. But that’s not possible. Okay, then I wish I could hide myself from myself. I wonder if I can…
In the end, I wish I could fly. I would fly away from here. I wish I could go to space and never come back. You know, if I was given an opportunity to do that, and gave me 3 second to decide, I would do it. I would fly to space and never come back.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t value the people that are in my life, it’s just I am feeling alone anyways, might as well also be alone. And the space… being closer to the endless universe. And yeah, I would miss you, reader. But I miss you now too. That feeling can’t be satisfied, you can’t fulfil that feeling however you try. At least I
can’t. So can you tell me what’s the point then? What’s all this? What exactly am I doing?
I really should be in space now, I really should…
27th of August. Friday. 23:02.
I was in the bus coming back to Frankfurt. I was feeling okay that day. I had to come back because of visa. So I was sitting there when I saw a digital clock on the bus that told me the time, even though I never asked.
It was 20:12.
My mind read it as 2012 and unwillingly it started playing a game: You have one minute to remember a year.
I didn’t manage to think anything on 2012, as it turned to 20:13 really quick.
So, 2013: Happy from getting out of high school. Happy being admitted to AUA. Sad that my close friend was going to the army. Sad that I would never have a chance to see a girl I liked back then. Happy to start something new. Happy to have made new friends, they seem like nice people. Nothing else came to mind, so I waited for the rest of 30 seconds, trying not to think of the next year. Playing by rules, you know.
Minute passed, 2014: happy to be in AUA. Happy that I have increased my circle of friends. Sad that my friend is in the army. Sad that I failed one midterm. Happy that I have a driving licence now. Sad that I don’t have a car. After a while, happy that dad allows to drive the car.
2015: Sad that my GPA went down. Happy cause I like a girl I saw in one of our classes. Happy that I talk to her often. Sad that she doesn’t like me. Sad that she chose another.
2016: sad that 2 of my friends went to do exchange semester in Italy and I was left with the “difficult” one. Happy that the difficult guy turned out to be the best one. Happy that we got close. Happy that I started to diversify my circle and meet great people. Happy from the idea of getting out of country next year. Tired from studying for exams. Happy with my exam results.
2017: happy that I graduated. Sad that I graduated. Sad to realise that I will lose touch with so many people. Happy that i got admitted to AUA for master’s. Happy to start going to summer classes with my friends. Happy to find an acceptance letter from Germany. Happy that it all paid off. Sad when I still went to AUA even after getting admitted in Germany. Sad realising what that actually meant. Sad from the thought of leaving everyone. Terrified of being alone. Devastated from being torn. Depressed from the studies. Depressed from the weather, classmates, language. Doing nothing but endlessly walking. Desperate to find a solution. Sad that I found it: suck up and get to work.
2018: Sad that I failed an exam. Happy that I passed on second try. Happy that first semester is behind. Happy to have a friend. Happy to meet my childhood friend here. Sad from loneliness. Happy to find a job. Sad because i missed family. Happy to go on my first work trip to Bangkok.
2019: Happy that GPA is going up steadily. Happy to have made new friends. Happy that I am at home during New year’s. Happy to be invited to my friend’s place. Happy to see someone special there. Sad to fly back. Happy that I started talking to her. Happy that we get each other.
Happy to fly back again. Happy to meet AUA people. Happy to drink with her in the kitchen. Happy that she trusts me to share something personal. Sad from reading those. Depressed from realising what she went through. Nervous walking around her workplace. Relieved telling her what I intended. Happy giving her Sully. Depressed after I flew back. Sad that I started smoking. Sad that I can’t see her. Started a countdown. Sad that it went so slow. Happy to fly to Barcelona for my second work trip.
Happy to go to vacation with family to Italy.
Sad.
2020: Happy to share with you my thoughts. Happiest person to exist, because it’s starting to work out. Madly in love. Feels like a dream. Sad to feel coldness. Sad that she’s sad. Happy to submit thesis. Depressed that my flight might get canceled. Sad from her behaviour. Happy to have her. Conflicted in thoughts. Torn in pieces. Happy to fly back. Happy I will soon be with her. Sad for the quarantine. Happy to watch movies and stuff together. Happy to meet you in person. Happy to take you to driving. Depressed from your words. Confused from your actions. Happy to stay in homeland for so long. Sad to lose close friends. Very sad to fly back. Depressed from the war. Eating up myself for not being there. Anxious for my parents, my brother, my home. Constant stress. Endless messages. Political shows. News. Protests. Searching names. Tears. Blurred numbness. Total shock after the loss. Feeling dead inside. Shaking from anger. Disappointed. Made a tattoo, with a hidden message inside. Happy at least for that. Here goes another minute.
2021: Happy to stay here for winter. Happy to be in a friend’s wedding. Sad for the unused +1 I asked him for. Happy to talk to her again. Happy to see her. Happy she leaned on my shoulder. I wished she was not drunk. Happy to receive a kiss on my cheek. I wish it was sooner. Happy to kiss her in the car. Sad to realise it was not real. Tired of her actions. Madly in love though. Sad that she didn’t speak to me. Happy that she did eventually. Happy to give her the magical book. Sad to hear the crucial words. I thought she would never say them. But here we are. The minute has passed, but the rest you can read from the top of this chapter. This might very well be the last one.
October 12. Already Wednesday. 00:30. It’s funny how I encounter her sometimes. Very randomly. Very chaotically. The irony is that chaotic encounters is part of the pattern with her. Absurd, and naturally, very interesting. She looked great as always. La vie est Belle is a nexus event I guess, that smell brings so many memories…
Let’s stop pretending for a second. Yeah I am talking to you now. I don’t have feelings for you anymore, not romantically at least. The corpses of those are rotting somewhere inside of me. And that stench is making me sick. But still, I won’t forget you, ever. You did things to me that I thought were impossible. But yeah, magic, right?
And the worst part. I get you now. Things have changed. And with things, I have changed too. There is a girl that is in love with me. She is so nice, beautiful, caring, whole package. And I am with her now. We are trying it out, you know. But I feel like she is feeling much more than I do. And… yeah, I guess I am in your role now. But I am going to give this a chance. I truly will try my best. This is where we differ. Maybe it won’t work out, but I would talk to her, and she would know that I tried my best. And I hope there won’t be bitterness. Or even if there is, my consciousness will be okay.
I keep saying this is the last chapter, but I truly don’t know. Maybe we meet here sometime later. Until then, magic!
